Sam sighed. Jack looked down at him. “What’s wrong now?” They had been trick-or-treating for ten minutes. It was not going well.
“My costume.” Sam plucked at the front of it and frowned. He looked up at his father and blinked. “It is incongruous.”
Jack stopped his son and turned him on the sidewalk to face him. The sun was setting fast, the neighborhood kids were lapping them and Jack was trying not to remember the look on Cooper’s face when he so gracefully bowed out of trick-or-treating to stay home and hand out candy, with a giant alcoholic beverage and the last three episodes of Walking Dead. Jack took a deep breath and looked into his son’s angelic face. “Sam. It’s just a costume. Remember when I asked you to pick out a costume?”
His son frowned. “But-“
“And you told me that Halloween was an ‘arbitrary’ celebration and so, it would not be out of order to have an ‘arbitrary’ costume to commemorate the occasion?”
“And when I asked you if that meant that we should just pick out a costume for you, you said, ‘That would be sufficient, Papa, yes. Please do so.’ Do you remember that, Sam?”
Jack sighed. He could be drinking bourbon right then. He wondered if it was bad form to ask for bourbon at the next house. “But what Sam? What is wrong with the costume?” He plucked at the sleeve of the storebought Abraham Lincoln get-up that had cost them a second mortgage on their house. “Are the buttons really from the post-Industrialized age? Did we accidentally give you Andrew Jackson’s pantaloons? Are you wearing French-made socks? What? Just tell me. It’s okay, just tell me. I want to help. What is so ‘incongruous’ about this costume?”
Sam looked up at his father. He reached up and scratched under his beard. “The pants are on backwards.”
“Oh.” Jack looked down at the pants. They were. “Okay. Moving on.”
Two things. 1) I was reading this great blog post today on why it is VITAL, vital I say!, that we continue to “Buy Good Halloween Candy”, the author’s reasoning being that if we are all buying those variety packs from CVS then chances are the only thing kids will come home with are… their own variety packs from CVS. (In your very own pillow case packaging!) You know what’s not in those variety packs? Take 5 Bars which is a travesty as they are chocolate-peanut butter, salty-sweet, “let’s add caramel too because WHY NOT and also I really love my job”- Brilliant Candy Executive.
2) The other day, @BittenWord retweeted someone who said they did not like the Chocolate-Peanut Butter combination and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I stared in disbelief at the screen for five whole minutes. (Also, this is totally fine. There are things I do not enjoy that many do like, say, Family Guy and those Meet the Parents movies. I’m sure there is someone, right this second, wearing a Meet the Fockers sweatshirt, staring at the screen in disbelief because they just read that sentence. Viva la Internet). But more importantly, viva chocolate and peanut butter.
No-Bake Take 5 Bars
Note: Serves 1 person. Why? Because you work so hard and you deserve it. If anyone tries to make you share these, now is the time to start throwing things.
– 2 Cups of crushed graham crackers or cookies
– 3/4 Cup of butter, melted
– 1 and 1/4 Cup of peanut butter
– 1 and 1/2 Cups of powdered sugar
– 1 and 1/2 Cups of semisweet or milk chocolate chunks
– Standard mini pretzels (thin pretzels, not those big, hard monstrosities that no one likes)
– Salted peanuts
– Jarred caramel sauce (find it in the Sundae Topping section of your supermarket. AKA, Can I live here?)
1. Crush your cookies. Food processor: process cookies until finely ground. OR put cookies in a bag and demolish them with something heavy until finely ground.
2. Combine crushed cookies, melted butter, 1 cup of the peanut butter and the powdered sugar in large bowl or food processor until smooth and well combined.
3. Line your ungreased 9×9 baking dish with parchment paper. Drop mini pretzels so that they cover the bottom of the pan.
4. Pour peanut butter mixture over pretzels and spread evenly, using your spatula to press gently down and ensure that the peanut butter mixture sinks into the mini pretzel crevices. Secretly relish any recipe that includes the word “crevices.”
5. Freeze for 15 minutes.
6. Drizzle caramel sauce over peanut butter layer. Sprinkle salted peants over caramel.
7. Freeze for 15 minutes.
8. In a large microwaveable bowl or double broiler, heat chocolate gently until melted and then add remaining 1/4 cup of peanut butter, heating and stirring every 30 seconds until smooth.
9. Take your baking dish of happiness. Spread an even layer of chocolate over top the hardened caramel and peanuts.
10. Freeze for an additional 15-20 minutes.
11. Once the chocolate shell has hardened, slice into small squares and serve. Stores well in fridge but better in your belly.